Where do we go from here?

Back in February (feels like a long time ago doesn’t it?!) we celebrated my husbands birthday and planned to have a day out and dinner in London. Only I woke up on the Saturday morning and knew I didn’t want to go, nor did I want to get on a train or wander around the streets of the city I love. Something bothered me about the rumblings of a virus in China and all of my instincts were telling me in no uncertain words to stay at home.

My mother-in-law called from Australia and she felt as I did. She knew something was amiss too. “Stay at home” she said. “Just chill and take it easy”.

So we did. And we haven’t yet ventured into London since.

“Find peace in unexpected places, And take deeper breaths.
Even in the rush of life you are free to slow down.
Feel what you need to feel.
Take the time you need to heal. Know that everything will be revealed to you when it’s meant to be revealed to you. ”

— Morgan Harper Nichols

Just in case….

Several weeks later my mum, sister and I had a conversation about what was unfolding and we all agreed that despite what we were being told by the Government and in the media, we needed to be prepared. Instinctively we knew the rumblings of this virus were getting louder and closer to home so we got some extra supplies and food just in case.

My sister works for a global pharmaceutical company where there were even more rumblings about possible shortages ahead, so my parents got extra medical prescriptions too. Just in case.

A week later on my way home from work I stopped at a local supermarket. The shelves were completely bare. I’d never seen anything like it. People had been fighting over packets of food. And loo roll. I left the shop with a tub of sour cream and some broccoli. It was all they had. As I reached my car and drove home I thanked my lucky stars I’d got our food in when I did - had I waited there would have been nothing at all.

When in doubt question - and question again

As the weeks have passed I’ve wondered why we were not advised to wear face masks months ago? My brother-in-law lives in Spain and it is compulsory and has been since they entered lockdown in March. So on our family Zoom chat I said “I think we should be wearing masks despite what we are being told, it just makes sense to me”. My sister got on the case and we all took delivery of our own personalised material face masks from Etsy and have worn them out and about ever since. Just in case. Even if we look ridiculous - who really cares!

Now there is another issue rumbling away and that is the effect the pandemic has had on our mental health and wellbeing. Some have been fortunate to carry on with their lives as normal whereas others have lost loved ones, been ill themselves, are experiencing financial difficulties or have lost their jobs or businesses. The psychological strains and impact is not to be underestimated. The advice and guidance we are given at times is confusing, contradictory and full of fear so much so our stress levels are on constant alert.

So where do we go from here?

The truth is no one knows the answer for sure.

There is difference of opinion, division and everyone seems to have a view about something, don’t they.

Will we have a second wave or won’t we?

Will we have jobs or won’t we?

Will we be able to keep our businesses afloat or won’t we?

Will we or our loved ones get the virus or won’t we?

What feels like the right course of action for you?

What I do know is that when I feel it’s all becoming a bit much it’s time to get some peace and quiet and focus on living one day at a time. Forget about future tripping and bring my attention right back to the here and now.

I choose to slow down, tune out from all the noise, stop reading or watching the news and ask myself important questions such as what do I need right now and what feels right for me?

And if the answer isn’t forthcoming I wait.

Because I want facts not fabrication and fear.

I want hope over doom.

I want clarity over confusion.

I want to tune out so I can tune in.

And then I will continue to make my own informed decisions, based mostly on instinct and on what feel absolutely right for me.

Maybe you want this too?

In the waves of change we can find our own true north

I’ve spent the last four months helping to home school my niece Boo. During one of our online classes we focused on map reading skills. Despite Boo’s protestations that she didn’t need to learn how to read a proper paper map, because they had sat-nav, or Mummy’s phone or there would always be someone to ask if you’re lost.

I told her “You need to know how to read a map – because one day the sat-nav may not work, the phone may be out of signal, there may not be anyone around for miles and you need to know how to read the signs to find your way home. And if you’re really lost know how to trust yourself and your instincts.”

So our map reading and compass class began.

North. East. South. or West?

Together we created our own map, now she knows how to read a compass, look for the signs and how to get from her house to mine.

“Auntie Mel I know another great trick to remember which direction I am heading in” said Boo.

“Let me guess – is it never eat shredded wheat”? I replied.

She looked at me in disbelief. “How do you know that” she said.

I laughed and said “Sometimes Aunties do know a thing or two you know - especially around a sense of direction and your Inner Compass”.

The answers will be revealed in good time

Let us not forget when it all becomes a bit much that each and every one of us has our own inner compass and ready-made intuition. We can rely on all of our senses in order to find our way once more.

So the moral of the story is never eat shredded wheat. But do eat the cake. And stay safe. Because despite what anyone else says, thinks or does, I’ll be eating the blinking cake especially as I saw the sign. And we all need cake.

Wondering where you go from here take a look at the mentoring sessions and we’ll figure it out together.

Where flowers bloom so does hope

As I open the curtains clear blue sky and glorious sunshine greets me, since the lockdown began in the UK two months ago we’ve been fortunate to have experienced many days like this. As I venture outside my morning tea in hand, I wander around our garden in my pyjamas. No one can see me. There’s nobody else about. Even the dog walkers keep their distance these days. So I mooch around and see what has changed overnight. New buds have formed and my roses are coming in to bloom. Which seems a lot earlier this year thanks to the warm weather and sunshine.

All I can smell is cut grass, nature fills the air, it’s clean and fresh transporting me back to my childhood. The air used to smell like this all the time, long before the pollution kicked in.

Instead of planes continuously flying overhead now all I can hear is birdsong. All of my senses have been reawakened, the birds have become my new alarm clock and appear to be singing louder than ever. So much so when my husband and I are on phone calls or chatting on Zoom the person at the other end can hear their chorus too.

In the space of seven weeks all of our lives have changed irrevocably. Life has slowed to a snail’s pace as we remain indefinitely in lockdown. Which means we are also officially in “the void” the vast space between what came before and what is yet to come.

I’ve experienced being in the void before, it took a long time to move through it and rebuild my own “new normal” I really no longer like that phrase. But life feels anything but normal right now doesn’t it?

What feels different this time around is that I am not experiencing being in the void alone. We’re all in it together, globally and collectively living with uncertainty every single day. For now.

No doubt we’ll all have our own stories and experiences to tell but despite us being in this void together we are experiencing the effects of this pandemic in different ways. I saw a post online that said “We’re not in the same boat – we’re in the same storm” how true this is.

“And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure , in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That is what this storm is all about. ”

— Haruki Murakami

For my husband and I life continues to move forward albeit at a slower and more simplified pace. We are fortunate to have each other, our Mogs Billy and Lola and the ducks Daphne and Donald keep us company. Soon we’ll be joined by ducklings as it appears Daphne duck is expecting anytime soon. And in the bird box in the garden a blue tit sits on her seven eggs carefully keeping them safe until they’re ready to hatch. Despite us being on lockdown Mother Nature definitely isn’t.

When we do venture outside our sanctuary and head to the supermarket I notice there is an abundance of wildflowers reclaiming the green spaces around us. It’s here you notice just how much life and our surroundings have already changed. The streets are quieter, we have to keep our distance, which some manage better than others.

A dose of creativity, fun and laughter

For the time being I have another very important role that is keeping me busy, going by the name “Mrs Mackerel” (no idea why!) helping to home school my niece Boo online. Every morning is class time with creative writing and sometimes French.

Her pre-requisite was that I make her classes fun, so I have tried my best. We’ve totally gone off the curriculum at times making YouTube videos and dancing to Black Lace – Agadoo which I am sure isn’t in the teaching remit. But a big fat dose of fun and laughter is a must for all of us right now I am sure.

We’ve also created her first journal, a special book called “Adventures in Lockdown” filled with all of her stories, activities, pictures and cuttings and inspiring quotes she shares with her class that she creates all by herself. She’s even written to the Prime Minister (her own idea not mine!) detailing her objections and solutions to the government’s lockdown plan from an eight year old perspective.

If I can teach her anything it is to reinforce that her voice always matters too. So we await the response from Number 10 Downing Street.

A dose of nature and gratitude

What helped me navigate the void before and continues to work it’s magic on my wellbeing and sanity now is being in the garden. When I feel anxious or my mind feels scattered I head outside.

This year it is different as I’ve been making do with what we already have and growing plants from seed; basil, chilli, cress and sunflower seeds were all I could get.

During one of our classes Boo and I discussed our favourite flowers, she decided to tear out a picture of sweet peas from a magazine for her journal. She asked me if we’d be able to get some, “Unlikely” I replied “Maybe next year”.

“As you wait for better days, don’t forget to enjoy today in case they’ve already started. ”

— Robert Breault

A few days ago our post lady, Marilyn, (I now know her name) knocked on the door with a small package for me. I opened it up and a card and a packet of seeds fell out “Turquoise Lagoon” sweet peas the same as the picture Boo now has in her journal.

Miraculously my sister had ordered Boo and I a packet of seeds each and in her card Boo said “Dear Auntie Mel, here are the same seeds as mine that you might like to grow too”. I was elated to receive such a precious gift especially as I’ve never attempted to grow sweet peas before, but now we could grow them together, even whilst living apart.

Maybe this is what is meant by the “new” normal bit? Finding immense gratitude for all the simple blessings in our lives and at the very top of our lists has to be love, continued health and happiness, in whatever shape or form it arrives.

May you stay strong, stay well and stay safe.

And never lose hope.

We cannot stay in this void forever.

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In loving memory

This red “Love” rose from our garden is dedicated to my dear friend Terry Gassett who sadly lost her husband Bill to the coronavirus.

Terry and Bill love roses too.

May you rest in peace Bill.

Decide what kind of life you actually want. And then say no to everything that isn’t that.

Are you looking to change your life?

This all starts with you. Instead of searching ‘out there’ learning how to connect more deeply within and be guided by your own intuitive knowing. You know what is best for you. What feels good. But sometimes we all lose that connection with ourselves along the way.

As a Mentor and guide this is where I step in, if you’d like to know more take a look here, if you need some structure and guidance right now, Bloom From Within is available now online for you to get started straight away and if you need more 1-1 support and encouragement we can work together.

If you’d like to know more about how I live and work with intention, read on.

Whilst on holiday in France my husband and I decided it was time for us to move. We’d lived in a lovely Berkshire market town for eleven years but had outgrown our small Victorian house and his three hour daily commute into London was taking its toll.

Over a cup of tea we wrote down our wishes on a piece of kitchen roll paper, which was all we had to hand at the time.

Fortunately we shared many of the same non-negotiable requirements; our new home had to be a detached property as we’d had enough of being disturbed by noisy neighbours and we wanted somewhere dedicated to park as we’d had enough of reversing our car backwards up our tiny road to squeeze into any space we could find nearby.

The new house had to come with decent outside space and of course be a lot closer to London. I found an image on Pinterest of the type of 1930’s style property we liked and pinned it just so we could keep it in the forefront of our minds.

Our wish lists didn’t just include our dream property, we knew our lifestyle had to change too because work dominated everything. By the time Mr M returned home our evening consisted of a quick dinner, brief chat and plonking ourselves down on the sofa for an hour to watch TV. And that was on a good day if he was home early enough. Which meant the weekends were equally busy trying to catch up with life admin.

It wasn’t ground-hog day but ground-hog week and so not fun.

This was not the life either of us intended or wanted.

The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit

Once we had a better idea of our non-negotiables the search for our new home began. Armed with our kitchen roll wish list we explored towns and villages on the outskirts of London. It quickly transpired that moving was not going to be easy and it took us another two long years with plenty of stressful set-backs along the way. You can read more about those in my book.

“Decide
So do it, decide. Is this the life you want to live?
Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be?
Can you be stronger. Kinder. More compassionate.
Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out.
And decide ”

— Meredith Gray

There were some things we were willing to compromise on and others that we were not. And at times it was disheartening, we wondered maybe our wish list was too ambitious?

Maybe we should compromise on our wish list?

Maybe we should just stay put?

But sometimes you have to dig deeper, commit and trust you will get to where you want to be.

The biggest way to transform your life is to decide what you actually want

It sounds obvious doesn’t it that in order to change or transform anything in your life you have to decide what it is you want, what direction you wish to head in or where you’d love to end up. But often we don’t, we coast along, drifting and waiting for something to miraculously change. Days, weeks and months can pass us by and only then do we realise it’s now or never. We stop hanging around waiting, make some courageous decisions and the most important bit of all, take intentional action.

We found exactly what we wanted. And more

Eventually we found our new home and four years on I can say that moving changed our lives for the better. Living on the outskirts of west London means we are slap-bang within the urban sprawl. But within five minutes I can be parked up on the M25, in forty-five minutes I can be in Canary Wharf or in ten minutes I can be having a lovely walk around Virigina Water lake.

Remarkably the house we live in is identical to one I pinned on Pinterest several years ago. The resemblance is uncanny – only our garage is on the left side instead of the right. Yes vision boards are magical if you stick with them. (However it was the fourth house we tried to buy and the other three looked nothing like it - note to self always stick with the vision!)

But the transformation didn’t stop there.

Despite not being on our wish list now we live among a Site of Special Scientific Interest (SSSI). Our neighbours are horses, cattle, wildlife including an abundance of birds and we’ve adopted two swans and three ducks Daphne, Doris and Donald who visit several times a day. And the heron fishes at the bottom of the garden.

Living here opened up a brand new world for us, one that is immersed in nature and the seasons.

All of this definitely wasn’t on our kitchen roll.

Now we pause and watch the sun go down, notice the wildlife right outside our back door, have a far greater appreciation of mother nature and have learned how to protect the local environment.

Every morning the first thing I do is feed our cats, ducks and birds (in that order!) as opposed to checking my emails or scrolling mindlessly through Instagram.

It was never our intention to stay here for years on end and so now we are considering where we’d like to head next. Along with the original non-negotiables there are some new additions; no cars or transit vans blocking our driveway, a big enough garden for all our roses and plants, our home has to be within walking distance to the sea with plenty of places to explore the natural world and a slower pace of life. The New Forest and Northumberland definitely appeal and have made our new short-list so far. But who knows - we are open to what piques our curiosity.

Decide, take baby steps then change will come. And it will be good. Really good.

Intentional living and working on your own terms means you have to ask yourself some important questions. Decide what kind of life you actually want. And say no thank you to everything that isn’t that. Sometimes when we move towards our heartfelt desires life has a funny way of bringing us something even better than we could ever of intended.

No one else is living your life and the beautiful thing is you get to choose and decide how you will live yours.

Remember you’re always one decision away from a totally different life.

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Kindness is powerful pass it on

“Before you speak let your words pass through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? ”

— Rumi

Several months following the relaunch of my mentoring business I was asked to be a guest speaker at an event for women in business in London. I said yes before I could say no and felt apprehensive beforehand because despite speaking at many events in the past the spotlight would be on me personally, which was something I hadn’t experienced before.

The day of the event arrived, as we all sat down for lunch I felt nervous and struggled to eat my club sandwich which is most unlike me. The minutes passed and soon it was my turn to take to the floor. Tempted to make a run for it, I stood up, looked around the room and found my voice. As the words tumbled out I spoke from my heart to theirs and my talk was largely unscripted. It was a powerful moment where I felt nothing but kindness and encouragement from the forty pairs of eyes willing me on.

Afterwards I was elated and relieved as it had been a big moment for me taking every ounce of courage to show up, speak publicly and ‘share my truth’, something I whole-heartedly believe in.

Sadly this euphoric high was not to last because I made the mistake of checking my messages prior to leaving the venue. Within minutes I’d gone from being surrounded and supported by a group of wonderful women to being on the receiving end of a vicious personal attack. The message among other things tried to throw doubt over my expertise, ability and business. If you’ve been part of my community for a while you’ll know everything I do is founded on integrity, authenticity and being true to yourself. I have never claimed to be anything I am not, nor will I ever do so.

As I read and re-read the message in front of me I gasped. A friend had joined me for the event and could see my distress. ‘What’s happened?’ she asked. I passed my phone to her and she read what I had received. ‘Why would anyone in their right mind feel this is OK to send to you?’ I wondered that myself. And I wasn’t about to take this attack lying down.

I hadn’t been trolled. This wasn’t a person I didn’t know and whose opinion of me didn’t really matter. No, the person who felt it was appropriate to send this message was someone I had once believed was a trusted friend, supporter and ally. Not someone who could launch a personal attack and accuse me of something that was unfounded, untrue and extremely unkind.

My euphoric bubble had well and truly burst.

Why is it we find ourselves with a culture where people feel it is OK to judge, shame or attack others? And this horrible behaviour is not only reserved for those in the public eye. Because it happens every single day within Facebook Groups, on Instagram and especially on Twitter. We can choose to tune out of from the majority of it – only when it’s you who is the human being on the receiving end it is not quite as easy to overlook or ignore.

One kind word can change someone’s entire day

Despite my feelings she felt her accusations were warranted and she was entitled to voice her opinion and expected me to take it on the chin. Which I wouldn’t – as I am not one to tolerate any kind of abuse. Because that’s precisely what it was.

However on a different day, had I not been feeling as good about myself and believed in my work my reaction could have been entirely different. Because all of us have a tipping-point where it only takes one harmful negative message to send us scuttling back into the shadows of self-doubt and destroy any self-belief and confidence. Doesn’t it?

As a woman in business I network in person and online. On the whole online groups and forums are a great place to be. But sometimes you’ll come across a post or comment that is far from kind. And you wonder would they dare say this to someone in person? I think not.

The reality is that our online culture has evolved to such an extent that not-so social users feel entitled to voice and express their opinions and judgement irrespective of who it may hurt. And now we’ve had enough.

Kindness is not an act it is a lifestyle

I’ve learned a very important insight about human behaviour and this extends to how we choose to show up online. If someone feels the need to attack someone else, more often than not, it is about them and not the person on the receiving end. Maybe they’re having an off day, maybe they feel in pain, maybe their inner critic is raging inside their head or maybe something has triggered them. Who knows. But it is rarely about you. Not really. Their coping mechanism is to attack others, project their inner anguish outwards in the hope they’ll feel better about themselves. But it does not make it OK.

The question is how do we go about changing this unkind behaviour?

My niece Boo, is nine years old and full of wisdom. When I asked her about the difference of being kind and unkind she told me. And I came to the conclusion that even at her age kids can be truly unkind to one another.

Such and such isn’t invited to so and so’s party.

She doesn’t want to be friends with so and so anymore.

She called her names and made her cry.

They’ve told me I am too small so I can’t play……………. (Auntie Mel has a tendency to want to find out who this person is who told my precious niece this….How dare they?!)

So it seems being unkind is a learned behaviour not just happening on the internet. What can we do about it?

Kindness is an inside job

I believe the simple truth is that we can only be kind to others if we know how to be kind to ourselves first. Only problem is we were not taught how to do this. We were taught to believe our inner critic. To believe we are less than and never enough and so on.

But what if we learned the importance of speaking to ourselves with kindness and compassion would we then be more likely to know how to extend that kindness to others?

Sounds simple doesn’t it.

But simplifying it even more - if in any doubt we could always ask ourselves the question and let our words pass through the three gates:

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

And act accordingly.

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She has fire in her soul and Grace in her heart

Four years ago at the age of 40 I received the unexpected but wonderful news that I was pregnant and expecting a new arrival. Our baby had been a long time coming. Sadly our joy and elation was not to last and we lost our much longed for baby, who we named Grace Rose to a miscarriage several weeks into my pregnancy. The loss of Grace was utterly devastating and became a catalyst that changed my entire life, personally and professionally. 

To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of Grace

If you knew me back then, you'd know I ran a social media consultancy called Scarletta Media. Talking about baby loss publicly was not on my radar. But life has a way of taking you down paths you could never envisage being on, doesn't it? And so after ten years being immersed in the world of social media and the Internet, last spring I let go of my Scarletta business and identity. It was time to start over as me, with a new business in my own name that encompassed not only my work and services, but also enabled me to use my own voice to grow, bloom and transform into the woman I am today.

Grace is and always will be my greatest teacher

Despite this much needed shift a significant thread remains between now and then which still sits at the heart and soul of my work and business today and it is this - to encourage my clients to show up with authenticity, to use their work, wisdom and voice for much needed change. To feel empowered as a woman in life and business and to be un-apologetically true to yourself so that you can show up with courage and conviction. I don't just advise my clients and community to do this, I live and breathe this too.

She has fire in her soul and Grace in her heart

Within my new book 'Living With Amazing Grace' I tell my own story, at times it makes difficult reading because what I write about is the truth. And the truth is that no-one really wants to discuss miscarriage or baby-loss or grief openly. It is shrouded in silence and secrecy because like so many other things in life it's dark and uncomfortable isn't it?

But the remarkable thing is that since we lost Grace and I began writing my book things finally started to shift. Now we talk more about emotional and mental health. Now we are more open to accepting people exactly as they are, despite their gender. Now we know we are all responsible for climate change. Now more parents-to-be are sharing their own stories of grief and heartache openly, because quite frankly we've had enough of trying to get through life alone and in silence. And now we know, as women we are not willing to be suppressed, belittled and ignored just for being women whether it's in the workplace or in society overall. We are awakening. But still there is more work to be done. 

By Grace you made it here

And so my book is not entirely about our loss of Grace. Yes it is about grief and healing and how eventually I found my way back towards the light and my own 'new normal'. It's also about unexpected transformation following loss and how and why my perspective on life and my work shifted significantly after we lost Grace.  I learnt what truly matters to me and let go of the rest. And I learnt to live with Grace - albeit on a very different path than I ever would have chosen. Now my own voice will no longer be silenced.

I decided to self-publish this book therefore I am also the one responsible for ensuring it reaches the people who need it most. So if you'd like to read it this is where you'll find it on Amazon it is published in a printed book and Kindle format.  'Living With Amazing Grace' was published on 7th October for an important reason - as this week is Baby Loss Awareness week, which takes place every year from 9th -15th October and aims to raise awareness about pregnancy and baby death globally. Throughout the week bereaved parents and their families and friends, unite with each other and others across the world to commemorate the lives of babies who died during pregnancy, at or soon after birth and in infancy.

It is also a collaboration between charities and organisations working together for change and tangible improvements in policy, research, bereavement care and support available for anyone affected by the death of a baby at any stage.

On the 15th October there is a global event the 'Wave of Light' where families across the world light a candle at 7pm local time this is in memory of all the babies who lit up our lives for such a short time. For the third year running my husband and I will of course be lighting our special candle for Grace. 

My book has been three years in the making and I have shared snippets here and there whilst being immersed in my creative cave, so I'd like to thank you if you've taken the time to send me a message of support directly or via social media during this writing and publishing process. It is enormously appreciated as it is never easy to speak up. But it is necessary we find a way to speak the unspeakable if we want anything to change for the better.

And finally if you know someone who has or is experiencing baby loss or miscarriage do reach out to them. Talk to them. Ask them how they are coping. Try and show up in person. You can't fix anything but you can be there. We need each other now more than ever. Whatever you do don't let them suffer alone or in silence.

May you too live with love, gratitude and Grace.

Be an encourager, the world has enough critics already

Do you find it difficult to do nothing, I don’t mean mindlessly scrolling on social media or having a binge fest of Netflix, I mean absolutely nothing at all? It’s a challenge isn’t it to allow ourselves to pause for a while and just be. At the moment I am in the lull between finishing my book and publishing it and the truth is I am tired. Worn out and a bit frazzled as it has been a summer full of challenges on the home front.

Two months ago I could not see how I would finish my book let alone publish it by my self-imposed deadline of October. So when the book was finished my initial thoughts turned to what’s next? What do I have to do now? How can I fill the time once more?

Then a small voice within whispered – ‘Stop. For now just stop. You are running on empty and have to recharge your batteries’. I knew this to be true and yet still I automatically tried to ignore and overrule the warning signs.

We have been programmed and conditioned to be in a continuous flow of doing, if you’re not busy then you can’t be doing life right, right? Being a busy bee is seen as an achievement, you can wear the busy badge of honour with pride but we are not encouraged to openly share the ‘I am busy doing absolutely nothing’ one.

Whilst reading another blog post by another business owner who has just published her own book she shared how she was feeling. She was tired, emotional, proud and knew without a shadow of doubt that she had to stop for a while. Therefore her husband encouraged her to have a lie-in in the mornings, she took herself off to her favourite places to wander and chill and she began to increase her movement and exercise once more after spending hours and hours sitting at her desk. All she needed to do was to focus on taking care of her immediate needs because everything else could wait. It was time to honour herself and embrace the lull, before attempting to embark on anything new. There was also something else she needed to prepare herself for. Releasing her book into the world was going to take up even more of her energy. Therefore she knew she had to rest and recharge as much as possible before the publishing promotion frenzy began.

Much needed Note to self

It sounds daft but this bit hadn’t crossed my mind. Rest and recover in between, her words and wisdom were a welcome balm to my weary soul. Reading this gave me permission to do like-wise. Because writing and publishing a book does not mean the work is done the moment you finish the last chapter. There’s more to come. Much more.

When we expend all of our creative juice and energy to any project we have to factor in time to pause in order to allow our tanks to re-fill and re-energise, before we can consider what comes next. If we don’t we risk grinding to a halt completely. I’ve had a summer of sore throats and sniffles, my body is telling me it’s depleted this much is obvious. But also my throat being sore is another significant sign as I am and have been using my voice to expel and express things that I desperately needed to say and share. Which translates into more healing required. Once I understood and acknowledged what my body was trying to tell me I have been doing my best to slow right down and embrace the pause for the time being.

What always replenishes my body, mind and spirit is to get outside as much as possible and I have been purposely enjoying the September sunshine, even sitting in my garden doing nothing. No pottering just pondering. I’ve taken myself off on ‘Artist Dates’ so that I could have a change of scene to re-ignite some creative energy and given myself time to reflect on how far I have come. I’ve also been enjoying sitting down with a nice cup of tea. This has become a ritual in itself. When I need to stop for a moment then I know it’s time for tea. A simple but effective tonic for me.

What will people think of you?

The other big thing I am currently navigating is letting go and allowing my book and story to go out into the world. I’ve never opened myself up publicly like this before and there have been many moments where I have thought ‘Why am I doing this?’ It feels daunting, overwhelming and sometimes the negative chatter in my mind gets in a tizz wondering what will people say and what will they think of me?!

Often our inner critic will do whatever it takes to get in the way and prevent us from doing something where we feel vulnerable and exposed. Especially opening ourselves up to others. But if I didn’t finish writing my book or even publish it I know without a shadow of doubt that this would become a huge regret in my life. So I’ve also been working on releasing my fears around this too.

So much for sister-hood

And then there’s the dreaded ‘outer critics’ to consider. One of my pre-readers said to me ‘you know now you are going to have to cope with negative comments too’. Of course I know this - it’s part of the territory isn’t it, when you use your voice to speak your truth there will be some who dislike you and what you have to say. Somebody will criticise. Somebody will think nothing of posting a flippant or nasty comment somewhere online. Some even do it for fun. Most of the time it will be from people you don’t know. You’ll never meet them in the real world. Thank goodness. But sometimes you do. Sometimes someone you know well decides that when you share a post on Instagram about your new book – she will unfollow you. Yes, really.

Having spent over ten years working with the Internet and social media I have an open door policy, everyone is free to come and go as they please. And I do the same. I am not going to change what I want to say if and when this happens. Funnily enough three new people joined me shortly after, so there you go life rolls on.

Whose opinion really matters to you?

If we want something to change but allow the potential opinions of others to derail us, absolutely nothing will change for the better. We’d all be living in fear and our wisdom, insights and knowledge will be forever wasted. What a tragedy this is. As for the potential critics in reality the majority of people aren’t giving us a second thought, they are too immersed and busy within their own worlds to care or even criticise what anyone else is doing.

At the moment there are two incredible young women at the forefront of my mind for speaking out with courage and bravery. One is Jesy from Little Mix for her must-see documentary ‘Odd One Out’ and the other is Greta Thunberg for her empowered speech on the climate crisis. If you haven’t watched either of them – do. Because we cannot allow critics to stop us. This is not the time to shrink back or hide. Do not turn down the volume in case someone doesn’t like you anymore and leaves your social tribe. Because it’s not about them, in the grand scheme of things, they really don’t matter. You and the people who need to hear from you absolutely do.

And so as I embark on another new life chapter I have considered whose opinion and feedback really matters to me? Whose insight and wisdom do I trust? Who has my back and will continue to love and support me no matter what? These are the people who truly matter in my world. What about you and yours?

Time to trust and let her go into safe hands

When the jiffy envelope containing my book plopped through our letterbox my husband shouted up to me ‘It’s here’. Christmas arrived early. We opened the package and there it was, my book, a proper book, filled with my own words on the pages right in front of my eyes. This was a transformational moment holding my precious book in my hands.

My biggest supporter Mr M beamed and told me how proud he is of me. And I felt pretty proud of myself too. Somehow I’d done it. Everything became very real so this called for a little celebration tea time and of course some cake.

Somehow despite all the setbacks and challenges I’ve had to overcome my book has come to life and as my word for this year is ‘trust’ I am letting her go out into the big wide world and simply trusting that 'Living With Amazing Grace' will go exactly to the right people and into the welcome hands that need her.

When she is published on Monday 7th October instead of fretting at home about what people may or may not think of me, or worrying about book sales or comments I will be going away for a retreat by the seaside and celebration with another of my biggest supporters, my lovely Mum. Without her support, wisdom, encouragement and belief in me and the book, it would never have seen the light of day.

Surround yourself with encouragers and tune out from the critics

If you are doubting your voice, your words or wisdom here’s a reminder from Theodore Roosevelt – ‘It’s not the critics who count’. Instead of man I have taken the liberty to change to woman because us women are definitely in the arena now too.

Are you with me?

“The Woman In the Arena

’It is not the critic who counts: not the woman who points out how the strong woman stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the woman who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends herself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if she fails, at least she fails while daring greatly, so that her place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.’”

— Theodore Roosevelt Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

The power of yet

The challenge I’ve embraced this year is to write and publish a book. I’ve been writing on and off for three years and at the beginning of the year made the commitment to myself that I would finish writing my book and somehow publish it. I didn’t know how, I just knew I would.

Sometimes books are written in a flash and others take a while longer. I have written three books so far but all of them have been to do with my business. This new book is a personal story and therefore has been an entirely different process than I’ve experienced before.

“There comes a point in your life when you need to stop reading other people’s books and write your own.”

— Albert Einstein

Back in the winter of 2016 I attended a writers workshop in London with the publishing firm Hay House. Julia Cameron, author of the fabulous Artist’s Way was going to be one of our writing workshop teachers during the weekend, which meant it was far too good an opportunity to miss. The Artist Way is a brilliant course in discovering and recovering your creative self so seeing Julia in person and learning from her was a must.

There was also another opportunity on offer, by attending the workshop every attendee was invited to submit their own book proposal for a potential book deal with Hay House. At the time I had an inkling of what my own book would be about, however by the time I left the workshop on the Sunday evening I realised despite the potential book deal my book was not ready to be fully written, yet.

My book could not be rushed, deal or no deal. My story needed more time to unravel and unfold. Because I planned to write about the loss of our baby Grace Rose and despite my initial belief that my book would detail the year following our loss, it transpired there was plenty more for me to learn and experience as I was still immersed in my own grief and healing. But attending the writers workshop had sown the seeds and I trusted I would find my way forward with the book, especially as the weekend the workshop took place coincided as exactly a year to the day we’d lost Grace.

I knew I’d been led there for a reason and that one day our story would be told

As the months passed I continued to write in spurts as and when I felt I had something pertinent to document. Writing had become one of my go-to therapies so there were pages and pages of notes written in my journal.

Every time I thought I had enough to write about and the time had come to wrap it up, along came something else that called to be included. Another nudge guiding me that the story was far from finished, yet.

It transpired it would be just over three years before I reached the end. In June after eight months of intensive writing and re-writing my book came to its natural conclusion. On what would have been Grace’s third birthday.

“You may not be published... yet.
Oh but you will be.
Just keep on writing.”

In between the spells of writing I wondered how am I going to publish this book this year? Should I leave it a while longer? Every time I found myself fretting about how to self-publish and that I didn’t have a book deal I’d hear an inner voice re-assuring me to “Just focus on the writing. Get the job done. Forget about everything else. Finish it. Then sort out the rest.”

Believe me the biggest challenge was sitting down and writing it.

I haven’t found the right copy-editor…yet

The next challenge was finding the right copy-editor. Even though I chose to self-publish I knew I had to invest in a copy-editor. I was searching for someone who had the capability and expertise, but more importantly understood the gravity of my story.

Over a lovely ladies what lunch date with my friends Lesley and Karen our topic of conversation came to the progress of my book and I shared my quest to find the ideal copy-editor. Immediately Karen suggested one of her friends who had set up her own copy-editing business and is a writer and blogger - Anne Thorn. As soon as Anne and I met online I knew she was absolutely the right person for the job. We clicked instantly. Working with Anne pushed me to become a better writer and write the best book I could.

I don’t know how to do that…yet

Once the manuscript was complete along came another challenge, getting it into the correct format for self-publishing. I didn’t know how to do that and considered out-sourcing it. But after spending some time doing my own research and watching several Amazon KDP publishing tutorials I decided to give it a go myself. In the past I’d spend days working on large tender documents so surely I could create my own book?

It may have taken me almost a week going completely goggle-eyed but now I do know how to do that too.

So I am delighted to say that my book is complete and it also has a name “Living With Amazing Grace – a journey through grief, healing and transformation”.

You can read it, just not…Yet.

But you can on 7th October if you wish because this is when my brand new book will be published. You’ll find it here.

And I’ll leave you with this nugget of wisdom, just because you don’t know how to do something now doesn’t mean you won’t in the future. Just don’t forget to add in the powerful word YET!

“I don’t get it
I can’t do this
This doesn’t work

Take a deep breath. Go for a stroll. Then add a “Yet” to the end of your sentence.

As in I don’t get it…yet.
I can’t do this…. yet.
This doesn’t work… yet.

It may not be easy but it doesn’t mean you are not going to meet the challenge.”

— Inspired by Pinterest

Life is uncertain - it's the only thing you can be certain of

On our to-go list this year was a visit to the island of Malta, we fancied going somewhere new as we’ve spent a lot of time exploring France, Spain, Portugal and Greece that Malta seemed an ideal alternative for a change of scenery.

However, despite our best efforts our travel plans wouldn’t fall into place, we couldn’t decide whether to stay on Malta or to head over to the neighbouring island Gozo instead? Or should we opt to stay in a villa or choose a central hotel? And could we go away for just a few days and see what we wanted to or did it need a full week stay?

“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans

”

— John Lennon

Decisions needed to be made and whilst um-ing and ah-ing over what to do the prices increased significantly, so we held off booking and my husband and I decided to chat some more over dinner that evening before committing.

Fortunately this deliberation was for our highest good, as later on that afternoon my husband learned that his position at the company he worked at for 13 years was about to become redundant. Subsequently we had a very different topic of conversation over dinner than initially planned. In that moment we were grateful that we hadn’t gone ahead and booked our trip to Malta, it saved us from a large expense that we could now do without.

Within the space of a few hours everything was thrown up into the air, this situation hadn’t come completely out of the blue, but still it was an enormous shock and we faced the big question, what happens now?

And this is what happens in real life isn’t it? Despite any short-term or long-term plans we may have life will throw us unforeseen curve balls that change everything, including all our plans in an instant. It could be due to redundancy, sudden poor health, an accident, bereavement or even just a change of heart. But when it happens to you, you realise you are not always the one in charge or control of your destiny.

There was more stress to come our way a few days later, whilst retrieving the washing from the clothes line I encountered an unwelcome intruder at the bottom of our garden. I am always one to bang on about speaking up and using our voices, however I hadn’t quite anticipated that mine would be needed to deter an intruder. Despite being startled to see a strange man lurking in our sacred space my instincts kicked in and I shouted “What the eff are you doing there?”

He’d already seen me and was attempting to make an escape, but claimed to be looking for a spot to fish, despite not having any fishing gear with him and wearing a dark hoodie. He scarpered and shaking I called out to my husband to ring the Police.

Thank goodness I ventured out when I did otherwise we’d have been none the wiser to his real “plans”.

My already high stress levels became stratospheric. All of this additional stress was most definitely not in our plan either and it was here where we knew we were firmly off course and our home and safe space no longer felt quite as safe as it once did.

And it’s here you find yourself fully immersed in the realms of total uncertainty.

Needless to say there were plenty of sleep-less nights and I couldn’t breathe fully as I anticipated something else about to happen. When under enormous stress all of your senses are on high alert. You panic and feel anxious about pretty much everything. You know you’re firmly out of control. And have no idea what to do.

But then an inner strength kicks in out of nowhere, you forget about any plans for the time being and bring your immediate attention back to the here and now. You question what is important and what isn’t. You have no idea what the future holds so you decide you’ll take it as it comes, day-by-day. You sit with the uncertainty and try to avoid pushing it away however uncomfortable it feels. Because it’s all you can do right now.

“Surrender your plans, accept there is a greater plan for you that will take you exactly where you need to go, what to do and what to say.

”

— Gabby Bernstein

The space in between now and then

In our case we’ve been here before, only now we’re older and wiser we knew we had to utilise the tools at our disposal to help support my husband through this transition and life change. There was no need for any knee-jerk reactions, and however tempting it seemed to rush and create a new plan, everything needed time to settle and unfold, whilst he processed all that had happened.

Benjamin Franklin says “Fail to plan, plan to fail” but when things go totally off plan through no fault of your own you have not failed. Circumstances are simply out of your control.

Plans help us get to where we want to go and enable us to feel we’re safe and fully in control of our lives, but as human beings we have to learn to accept that we cannot control everything. What we can do is control how we react, shift and adapt to whatever circumstances are suddenly enforced upon us. And before jumping or pushing for something else, just wait a bit longer to create some space and breathing room to be with what is before attempting to move forwards.

If you feel yourself going under go where you feel most alive

With hindsight we can see how our intuition was absolutely right about our Malta trip. Something felt off because it was. The set-backs were there all along for our highest good. Only we didn’t have visibility of what lay ahead at the time. But it was time for a much-needed breather, we both needed to get away from it all and with our Malta plans shelved it opened up the possibility of something else, something better, something that was not on our radar before but placed our well-being and happiness at the top of the priority list.

Contained with my magical vision book of the year, which I suppose has become some sort of fluid and flexible planner in itself - I had listed Osborne House to my “must visit wish list”. I had no idea when or how I would visit I just put it down on the page as will do one day.

Osborne House is magnificent and was once the much-loved holiday home for Queen Victoria and Prince Albert situated on the Isle of Wight.

Thanks to divine timing my wonderful Mum sent me an email filled with special offers for short break retreats. With over 50% off the price this was more of a possibility being a fraction of the cost of the Malta trip. And even better they had a beautiful woodland retreat available on the Isle of Wight and situated only a few miles from Osborne House.

We knew instantly that we could do this – it seemed to be exactly what we were looking for at the right time. So we booked immediately.

You’ve got to go there to come back

In times of stress or strife heading to the coast always works it’s magic on both of us. It’s soothing, the stress evaporates and we feel fully alive and free. Going away brought us back to ourselves once more.

And summer truly arrived, we spent our days on the beach, exploring the island and of course visited Osborne. It was the perfect retreat and tonic we needed to recharge and come home with a fresh and positive perspective.

Now we’ve been able to create some new plans not only for the future but for the here and now, which include enjoying everything about this summer together.

Eventually new wonders and possibilities come out of the blue

We all live with uncertainty on a daily basis. Nothing is certain despite any plans we may make and being OK with not knowing what lies ahead takes some practice. We can only control what we can control and have to find a way to let go and surrender to what will be. Trust is my word for the year and believe me I am having to trust in more ways that I ever envisaged or planned for.

And what do you know, I am delighted to share the fabulous news that there is another brand new business operating in the Mackie household.

My beloved husband is not going to work for another corporate, now he is embarking on a brand new endeavour and is the boss of “Blackcat Broadcast” - open for business, offering support and consultancy services to the broadcast, TV and media businesses.

This was not in the plan or anywhere on his radar but life is full of unexpected possibilities, especially when you suddenly go off plan.

Standing outside the “Black Cat” restaurant and seeing two black cats during our visit to the Isle of Wight served as a significant reminder - we were exactly where we were meant to be. Malta can wait, as we’re sure we’ll able to plan a visit there another time. But only when it feels absolutely right.

When you awaken you don't go back to sleep

One of my intentions since relaunching my business a year ago was to connect with and meet more people, and I’ve since had the pleasure to learn more from brilliant and inspiring women who have shared important insights and given me a greater understanding of their own views, beliefs and challenges they face in their businesses, places of work, communities and within themselves. This has served to re-enforce my own belief that this is a pivotal time for women all over the world, but there is still more work for us to do.

We are only just beginning to be the change

You cannot fail to see and know that we are all living in a time of huge uncertainty and unrest globally. But despite this remarkable human beings are no longer willing to be silent, we are speaking up, me included. Whether it’s in politics, raising awareness of environmental issues, questioning in-equality and discrimination or even sharing our stories to aid others, using our voices boldly and courageously to speak the once unspeakable is all gradually transforming everything for the greater good and for humanity.

It is remarkable how writing my book ‘Living With Amazing Grace’ has given me an alternative perspective, I can clearly see another important thread that is fundamental to my work and life and this is the power of our voice. Encouraging and empowering my clients and community to use their own voice sits at the heart of my work and business, it always has and has become even more prominent today.

Using our voices, speaking our truths, walking our talk, sharing our stories and expressing ourselves with authenticity is nothing new. We can all shout from the rooftops about things we feel passionate or disgruntled about. But then what happens? Does anything change or transform if we do?

I believe we have to use our voices, make them heard AND be willing to take much needed action if we are to make any impact in the world. And this takes commitment and enormous courage.

We also need to choose where and how to use our voices wisely. Not everything requires a response. We don’t have to take on every battle or everyone and everything. Sometimes we simply choose not to upset the apple cart or invite unwelcome criticism or judgement our way. We let things be.

But sometimes your voice has to be heard. Things happen in and around you that you simply cannot ignore. You are doing yourself and the people around you a disservice if you remain quiet. You will not put up or shut up. Despite any feelings of vulnerability a fire within you has been stoked. Awoken from the slumber you’re not about to go back to sleep anytime soon.

“I need to be startlingly clear. This thing of finding your authentic voice, expressing your blessed weirdness and revealing your soul isn’t an elegant process. You don’t do it to be cool. It’s only real when it’s ruthless, relentless and inevitable. But it is also a matter of personal and collective survival. Yes it’s that important. You are that critical. ”

— Jacob Nordby

Who’s At The Door?

It was the local elections last week and I had the pleasure of speaking to a local Councillor who boldly knocked on our door, hoping we would vote for her and her political party. There is no need for me to emphasise that the world of politics is an utter shambles at the moment, is there? Many of us have zero faith or trust in any of our members of parliament currently, anyway let’s not go there or I’ll never shut up.

The door bell rang and in days gone by I would have ignored our visitor and hid. But not this time. This time I seized the opportunity to use my voice. I opened the door and she launched into her spiel about why I should vote for her and her party. I wanted her to tell me more about their manifesto and then I began firing question after question her way.

She took a little step back and tried to make a swift exit, but I wasn’t about to let her off the hook easily. You could say I totally went to town with my line of questioning, I made her listen to my voice, concerns and challenges specifically on the following;

How we had to rebuild and change the entire frontage of our house to prevent people parking and inconsiderately blocking us in, and have another neighbour making full use of the road outside our house instead of his own as his illegal car sales forecourt. And are seemingly powerless to prevent this from happening.

How that despite the land next door to us being a special scientific site of interest and conservation area that people are able to come along and dump their waste and rubbish into the water and onto the land. My husband regularly gets his waders on and retrieves and disposes of this himself. And it seems no one else cares or wants to tackle it.

How every weekend our town centre has become a no-go zone for our community thanks to intimidating anti-social behaviour and drug taking and drinking. And we can only avoid the town until another day.

How local independent businesses are being driven out of town. And there is no one supporting them to stay.

There, I’ve said it - now what?

There was no escaping me and my voice and I was only just warming up. I had a long list of issues and concerns on my radar that I want answers and action on. So I continued “Who within your council will help us, because it seems despite our best efforts we are powerless to change any of this and if you can give me a straight and honest answer only then will you get our vote?”

I could see it written all over her face. “I’ve got a right one here”. Her answers were vague and meaningless and needless to say she did not get our vote.

It also transpired she had another place to be and she couldn’t get away from me quick enough.

I chuckled to myself as I closed the door, I bet she didn’t encounter many discussions like ours during her canvassing rounds?!

Not only did I use my voice, I now had a name. Her name and Twitter handle and this is a start isn’t it as there’s no doubt she won’t be forgetting me, my voice and concerns anytime soon?

Do Something, Anything Because there’s Using Your Voice, And Really using your voice

But I haven’t just been sitting around waiting for someone else to tackle what is going on outside our own front door and within our local community. I’ve asked to go along to local “environmental” steering groups to participate in the discussions, but they don’t want me to attend. The men-in-suits boys club will not permit me access. Because I have to be voted in, even though I live slap-bang in the middle of this conservation area.

I’ve contacted the council on numerous occasions to report our neighbour who seems to be above the law in trading from outside our house only to be told I can submit a request for review, where it will be considered in June 2020.

I continue to report the anti-social behaviour and have even agreed to provide witness statements and go to court if need be. I am not afraid to use my voice here either, even though these people know where I live.

“When dealing with forces beyond your control, you must summon the inner strength from within. And ground yourself as you stand tall like a tree with your roots that run deep.
Stand strong, centred, bold and courageous as you move and bend with the wind.”

— Melanie Mackie

The unspeakable is unique and collective

When you feel compelled to use your voice it can feel overwhelming to know where to begin. So start on the inside and get to know yourself better. Gain clarity on your own beliefs and values, listen to your inner thoughts and feelings and notice what gets under your skin? What gets you riled up and ruffled? What do you HAVE to do something about? Begin here.

Notice what is going on around you, on your door-step, within your community and where you work. See for yourself. Then decide if you are you going to choose to do something about it, or just let it be?

We can all do our bit and choose not to leave it up to others to sort on our behalf. So do what you can, use your own voice to speak up in the real world and online. Use social media as a force for good to focus on what you can change. And don’t use it to moan or whinge about what you can’t.

Boldly and courageously use your voice, tell your stories, lead by example and with your own wisdom and you can do this within your blogs, brands and businesses.

Commit and take responsibility for change as this is how you make your voice and the unspoken heard.

Find a way of being more outspoken, honest and truer to yourself

It can be difficult for one person to change or transform anything alone. But when you bring collective voices and people together, they cannot be ignored or suppressed. They get louder. They beat to the sound of the collective drum and our voices are eventually heard.

I used to be the person who stayed quiet, but not anymore. When I feel a sense of injustice or feel so passionate about something I am prepared to do whatever it takes. Especially now I have been awakened, I give my own inner voice some volume.

We are not powerless - we are powerful and as Mother Earth is reawakening so are we.

And once you’re awake there’s absolutely no going back to sleep.

She believed she could so she did

From a young age we are segmented into those who can and those who cannot. At our school we did the 12+ exam to see if we were clever enough to go to Grammar school. I wasn’t. Fortunately for me many of my circle of friends weren’t either. But it was one of those early life lessons where you begin to realise sometimes you are not enough. You don’t have the right skills or knowledge therefore you end up in the “Can’t Camp”.

Then as you approach adulthood everyone asks what do you want to do? I wasn’t really that fussed, I didn’t have a specific career planned out but I did quite fancy being an air stewardess. And I always wanted to travel.

Whilst having a bit of me-time at the hairdressers recently, my hairdresser and I began talking about our businesses and she shared how it can be a challenge to find decent, committed and reliable staff. Especially those willing to start at the bottom and do the mucky jobs in order to progress, learn and grow.

I told her that my very first job was as a Saturday Girl in a hair salon in the village where I grew up. I’d sweep hair up off the floor, washed people’s often dirty stinky hair, ran errands and even got down on my hands and knees to polish the brass pipes around the salon with Brasso. There is no doubt the owner got her monies worth out of me. I’d work every Saturday from 8am until 4pm. Go home for a little break and then start my next shift in the chip shop until 10pm.

I didn’t aspire to being a hairdresser or working in Mrs Chippy’s but I needed to earn some money and had to start somewhere. Like we all do.

One thing leads to another

“Finding yourself is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket.

You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid about the beliefs about who you are.

Finding yourself is actually returning to yourself. An un-learning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you. ”

— Emily McDowell

Eventually a new salon opened up in the village and they needed staff. As I had more experience under my belt I got a new job with a promotion. I was allowed to greet customers, answer the phone, book in appointments and process payments. As well as wash hair. Much to my delight there’d be no more cleaning.

Whilst working in the nice salon I studied travel and tourism at college, it was here I faced the first of many “career rejections”. I couldn’t be an air stewardess as I wasn’t tall enough.

Lo and behold another rejection quickly followed, my boyfriend and I split up, my life seemed over before it had really began. (It so wasn’t!)

I sought more change to get over my heartache and whilst looking for yet another job I came across an ad in the Evening Standard for holiday representatives to work in France. I wasn’t tall enough to be an air stewardess but maybe I could do this instead?

I applied, got invited to an assessment day at a hotel in Hammersmith and as I didn’t expect to get the job I went out with my mates the night before, got back late and seemed to be extremely hung over.

It was an intense day, a bit like an X-Factor audition with random group tasks as the panel watched and assessed us. Somehow I lasted the day and was offered a position. (They must have known I’d fit right in with my alcohol fumes!)

Which left me in a bit of dilemma? Should I stay or should I go?

My parents were concerned. We all had no idea what’d be getting into. Plus up until that point I’d led a pretty pampered life at home.

“Two weeks” said my Dad “I’ll give you two weeks and then you’ll be back home”.

For the first time in my life I believed I could do something else. So I packed up my belongings, took far too much stuff and headed off to France and my new life changing adventure began. My living quarters would be in a tent!

After two weeks I called home to confirm I would not be coming home. Yet.

I went on to live and work in France for several years and now my Dad will tell you “It was the making of her”. Yes indeed it was. Some may say character building.....

As the years passed eventually I returned and sought a “proper” job. The only issue was my lack of experience as I traipsed round the local recruitment agencies desperate for someone to give me chance. But it was rejection after rejection. Things had certainly progressed back home and it seemed everyone knew how to use Microsoft applications, how to type at speed, how to work out formulas and create tables in Excel and how to create whizzy slides in PowerPoint. Except me.

My self belief began to waiver. Maybe I was not up to this office job lark? Maybe I should stick with what I knew?

Fortunately my lovely Mum believed if given the chance I could work in an office. She did and she knew a lot of people locally including those in recruitment agencies. She made some calls and one lady agreed to see me.

I knew the significant importance of this appointment. I knew if I could get in front of them then maybe my gift of the gab would get me something decent?

This time I was not hung over. That definitely helped me appear more professional.

It appeared they believed in me.

Enough to give me a temporary role working as a receptionist. As I could answer the phone. I could take messages. I could open and sort the post and eventually I could learn how to transfer calls without cutting people off.

After a month or so something remarkable happened. They asked me to move into another role, in the data entry department. Where I learnt to type fast, really quickly.

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t you’re right. ”

— Henry Ford

Being away from the reception desk meant I had the opportunity to mingle and make friends with my colleagues. I helped them out when they needed something. I tried to be as helpful as possible and say yes to everything. If it would help me progress even further.

Then something even more remarkable happened. They asked me to move into the customer service team. With a much better role. More money. And training courses. Finally I had a big grown up proper job.

They believed in me too.

And my lovely Mum and I decided we both needed to know more about Microsoft and signed up for evening classes at the local college. Which meant more progress and knowledge.

Maybe now I needed to believe in myself?

We’ve all been told through-out our lives and careers by others what we can and can’t do.

Sometimes we get to decide.

Reflecting on my own path I realise every experience is still valid. Every challenge, set-back and rejection taught me something valuable about my own beliefs.

Now I ask myself when something comes up where does this belief come from?

Did I get to decide this or did someone else?

Whose voice is it telling me I can’t do something? Is it mine? Or someone else’s?

Sometimes I know the answers immediately. But sometimes I don’t. These are called subconscious limiting beliefs getting in the way. And I am not alone with these, working with my clients and chatting to other remarkable women in business we all have them. They may vary in type. Or we may have exactly the same. However it is a continuous work in progress to unearth why we believe what we believe, especially about ourselves and our own capabilities.

Because to outsiders you may appear calm and collected, but when asked to stand up and present at meetings you believe you cannot speak publicly. You believe you’re no good thanks to a teacher once embarrassing you for speaking out in front of your classmates.

You may not have received any encouragement whilst growing up and were repeatedly told you would get nowhere in life. Therefore you believe you don’t deserve to be successful with your petite business.

You may have been told off for “showing off and getting too big for your boots” when you achieved something. Therefore you believe it’s best not to speak out and share what you know on social media. Just in case someone calls you out again.

You may have been singled out for not fitting in or wearing the right clothes. Therefore you believe you can’t create your own videos or do Facebook Lives because you may not look or sound the part like everyone else.

If we have been told somewhere along the line that we are not good enough, cannot do something, don’t have the right skills, don’t look right or whatever it may be. It all stays with us. Filed away in the “Belief’s Bank”.

So it is a challenge to grow, bloom and transform until you unearth, rediscover and question precisely what YOU believe.

When someone says you can’t do it. Do it twice. And take pictures.

Of course there’s work to do, we have to dig deep find the roots and ask ourselves questions. Such as who am I really? Is this what I believe now? Am I ready to believe something else? And am I willing to believe in ME? Even if those around you don’t.

Looking back if I believed I had nothing to offer and listened to what I was once told I know I would never have ended up where I am now.

Most of the time I am pretty resilient, some may say stubborn. Whatever. Yes, I’ll take that.

But if someone tells me I cannot do something or underestimates my abilities, questions my integrity, wisdom or expertise I do not take this lying down. As now I know what I believe. Especially about myself.

I’ve done the inner work and continue to do so. I know myself better than anyone. I know where I have been and precisely what I am capable of and I also know we all have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone “out there”. Only to ourselves.

Now I believe it’s not so glamorous after all…

Every time I fly I look at the air stewardesses and remember that my friend was tall enough to became one. She worked incredibly long hours and through her eyes it changed my perception. I learned it wasn’t quite as exciting or as glamorous as I once believed. Being a holiday rep suited me so much better. Especially when I believed I could do this instead. And just for the record, now I am totally tee-total!

So if you need support and encouragement to figure out precisely what it is you believe and turn your can’ts into Oh Yes You Can’s we can work together.