“Before you speak let your words pass through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? ”
Several months following the relaunch of my mentoring business I was asked to be a guest speaker at an event for women in business in London. I said yes before I could say no and felt apprehensive beforehand because despite speaking at many events in the past the spotlight would be on me personally, which was something I hadn’t experienced before.
The day of the event arrived, as we all sat down for lunch I felt nervous and struggled to eat my club sandwich which is most unlike me. The minutes passed and soon it was my turn to take to the floor. Tempted to make a run for it, I stood up, looked around the room and found my voice. As the words tumbled out I spoke from my heart to theirs and my talk was largely unscripted. It was a powerful moment where I felt nothing but kindness and encouragement from the forty pairs of eyes willing me on.
Afterwards I was elated and relieved as it had been a big moment for me taking every ounce of courage to show up, speak publicly and ‘share my truth’, something I whole-heartedly believe in.
Sadly this euphoric high was not to last because I made the mistake of checking my messages prior to leaving the venue. Within minutes I’d gone from being surrounded and supported by a group of wonderful women to being on the receiving end of a vicious personal attack. The message among other things tried to throw doubt over my expertise, ability and business. If you’ve been part of my community for a while you’ll know everything I do is founded on integrity, authenticity and being true to yourself. I have never claimed to be anything I am not, nor will I ever do so.
As I read and re-read the message in front of me I gasped. A friend had joined me for the event and could see my distress. ‘What’s happened?’ she asked. I passed my phone to her and she read what I had received. ‘Why would anyone in their right mind feel this is OK to send to you?’ I wondered that myself. And I wasn’t about to take this attack lying down.
I hadn’t been trolled. This wasn’t a person I didn’t know and whose opinion of me didn’t really matter. No, the person who felt it was appropriate to send this message was someone I had once believed was a trusted friend, supporter and ally. Not someone who could launch a personal attack and accuse me of something that was unfounded, untrue and extremely unkind.
My euphoric bubble had well and truly burst.
Why is it we find ourselves with a culture where people feel it is OK to judge, shame or attack others? And this horrible behaviour is not only reserved for those in the public eye. Because it happens every single day within Facebook Groups, on Instagram and especially on Twitter. We can choose to tune out of from the majority of it – only when it’s you who is the human being on the receiving end it is not quite as easy to overlook or ignore.
One kind word can change someone’s entire day
Despite my feelings she felt her accusations were warranted and she was entitled to voice her opinion and expected me to take it on the chin. Which I wouldn’t – as I am not one to tolerate any kind of abuse. Because that’s precisely what it was.
However on a different day, had I not been feeling as good about myself and believed in my work my reaction could have been entirely different. Because all of us have a tipping-point where it only takes one harmful negative message to send us scuttling back into the shadows of self-doubt and destroy any self-belief and confidence. Doesn’t it?
As a woman in business I network in person and online. On the whole online groups and forums are a great place to be. But sometimes you’ll come across a post or comment that is far from kind. And you wonder would they dare say this to someone in person? I think not.
The reality is that our online culture has evolved to such an extent that not-so social users feel entitled to voice and express their opinions and judgement irrespective of who it may hurt. And now we’ve had enough.
Kindness is not an act it is a lifestyle
I’ve learned a very important insight about human behaviour and this extends to how we choose to show up online. If someone feels the need to attack someone else, more often than not, it is about them and not the person on the receiving end. Maybe they’re having an off day, maybe they feel in pain, maybe their inner critic is raging inside their head or maybe something has triggered them. Who knows. But it is rarely about you. Not really. Their coping mechanism is to attack others, project their inner anguish outwards in the hope they’ll feel better about themselves. But it does not make it OK.
The question is how do we go about changing this unkind behaviour?
My niece Boo, is nine years old and full of wisdom. When I asked her about the difference of being kind and unkind she told me. And I came to the conclusion that even at her age kids can be truly unkind to one another.
Such and such isn’t invited to so and so’s party.
She doesn’t want to be friends with so and so anymore.
She called her names and made her cry.
They’ve told me I am too small so I can’t play……………. (Auntie Mel has a tendency to want to find out who this person is who told my precious niece this….How dare they?!)
So it seems being unkind is a learned behaviour not just happening on the internet. What can we do about it?
Kindness is an inside job
I believe the simple truth is that we can only be kind to others if we know how to be kind to ourselves first. Only problem is we were not taught how to do this. We were taught to believe our inner critic. To believe we are less than and never enough and so on.
But what if we learned the importance of speaking to ourselves with kindness and compassion would we then be more likely to know how to extend that kindness to others?
Sounds simple doesn’t it.
But simplifying it even more - if in any doubt we could always ask ourselves the question and let our words pass through the three gates:
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
And act accordingly.