The theme this year for Baby Loss Awareness week is ‘Stepping Stones - looking at this unexpected path through life that comes after loss’. So here are some of my own insights, as following the loss of our angel Grace Rose in 2015 I unexpectedly found myself on another life path that I’d never envisaged.
Allow yourself to grieve
We don’t need to wait for permission from anyone else, especially if they have never lost their own child.
Feel what you feel without justification. For as long as it takes.
This is a step-by-step ongoing process.
Grieve and grieve some more
I was once told by a friend that she thought I was depressed.
Depressed no. Grieving yes.
Grief naturally follows any loss. You cannot bypass this complex range of emotions. And your grief remains personal to you.
Given time it shifts and changes, as do you, however this is always something you learn to live with. Not get over.
We still do not give others the support and acceptance to grieve their losses.
And so this is one of the areas I continue to feel very strongly about and write about this in more detail in my book.
Grief, healing and transformation are repeatedly interchangeable. Not a linear process, and require ongoing healing support for mind, body and soul.
Walking in nature is my go to therapy.
Gentle movement helps shift stagnant energy and trauma.
Mindful awareness of our surroundings takes us out of the mind chatter and firmly into the present moment.
Focusing on where we are in the moment gives us a break as we allow what is and what we feel to just be, step by step.
In the days after we lost Grace, I’d walk. Often heading out in the dark, alone, I didn’t want to see or have to speak to anyone else. This was my time. Each day I’d feel physically stronger and walk a little more. I didn’t realise the importance of this at the time, but this enabled my body, mind and soul to gently process the intense grief and begin to heal.
Gradually I’d notice the light coming my way. Fairy lights, Christmas twinkling lights, then the stars in the nights sky. I’d do my best to seek out glimmers of light. A little more each day.
This seemingly simple act of movement, mindful walking and light seeking became a pivotal ‘stepping stone’ on my own path to healing. And is self care for me and something I continue to enjoy doing today to bring me firmly back to myself, in the moment whatever life is throwing at me.
Wherever you go come back to your breath
We hold tension and trauma within our bodies and following a loss this tends to be in the chest. Heartache is a literal symptom and our lungs are severely weakened.
Another transformative stepping stone for me after the loss of Grace was the healing power of breath work.
At the time I hadn’t consciously realised how much tension and trauma I held on to. My chest felt like it was wrapped tightly in rope. Only taking shallow breaths, afraid to let go.
Learning how to breathe deeply and mindfully aids a frazzled nervous system and is restorative, as well as moving and releasing pent up emotions.
As well as physically moving our bodies, we need to release and move energy and trauma from within.
Being still may feel like the last thing you want to do, however with practice your breath has the remarkable power to heal body, mind and soul.
All you have to do it get comfortable, be still, bring your awareness to your breath. Tune out for a while. And breathe in for four and release for four. Repeat.
Notice where are you holding tension in your body?
Can you breathe into this space?
Can you allow yourself to feel what is?
Can you allow whatever is there to arise and release?
Can you let go?
Yes you can.
Surrender, release and breathe. One moment at a time.
Breath work becomes an anchor and is something I choose to do now, especially when life feels overwhelming. Come back to this moment, come back to your body. Come back to you.
Rituals and the Roses
Creating and establishing our own rituals can be comforting, especially following loss.
My own rituals were unintentional at the time, however now on reflection I can clearly see they were and are an essential stepping stone to healing and feeling an ongoing deep connection with Grace.
The love of roses is embedded in my family and DNA. It is no longer a coincidence that our house is called ‘Rosewood’, our garden is filled with established and new roses and the rose is something that powerfully fascinates me. I’ve also spent time learning about the ancient history of the rose and sacred geometry.
In my book I share the story of our roses, how they came to be and the rituals and ceremonies behind every rose.
You live with your loss every single day. Not only on anniversaires or special occasions. And so seeing the roses bloom throughout the year feels cathartic. Magically appearing when you need them in special moments.
Every year I can’t help but buy another one, this year ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ found me. A beautiful vibrant orange rose, perfect for healing and resonates with the sacral chakra, lower pelvis and womb and processing emotions.
Many roses have names and so of course we also have the ‘Grace Rose’ and ‘Amazing Grace’ in our garden.
So why not create your own rituals? Maybe you have already without realising their significance?
Your rituals are simply precious things or ceremonies that resonate and bring comfort to you.
You instinctively know what feels right to you. Follow where you are guided.
Your rituals are there to bring you meaning and feel at peace.
Inside the house I also have altars, filled with special crystals, trinkets and things that are meaningful for me.
I share more about my own path to healing in my book ‘Living With Amazing Grace - a journey through grief, healing and transformation, you’ll find it here.
Go gently and seek the glimmers of light. They surround us all.